Thoughts

Often times as the year draws to an end, I reflect. Why should this year be any different? People often ask what the most memorable part of my year was, or “What’s the biggest lesson you’ve learned this year?” I can’t answer either of those questions because my year has been eventful, frightening, thrilling, at points, terrifying, but yet inspiring. I’ve had complete break downs (meaning I cried) for reasons I don’t even understand. I’ve been in the ER a few times. I’ve pulled an all nighter (worst idea ever). I’ve seen people set free from addictions. I got the world’s greatest and sweetest boss. I’ve had some of the best times with my best friends. I’ve grown (as a person, not in height).

I do know that I’ve learned to love. I’ve learned to love beyond where I believe someone deserves it. Why? Because that’s what Christ did for me. I didn’t deserve love or grace or affection, but He gave it to me anyways. Along with love, comes compassion. I may joke about hating people, but the love I have for others is far greater than it was last year. I’ve learned that just because a woman isn’t dressed in the most appropriate manner, doesn’t mean she doesn’t deserve love. If anything, she needs more love than the women who know their worth is far greater than their bodies. After all, who am I to judge? If Jesus died for me; to take my judgment upon Himself – His perfect self – who am I and what gives me the right to judge others? If I can’t look at someone without picking apart every imperfection they might have, it’s time to take a step back and look at the bigger picture. What do I hate so much about myself that I have to cover amongst others’ imperfections? Judging someone might give temporary satisfaction, but once I think about what I’ve thought and said about someone else, it’s easy to realize I’m finding my imperfections in them. But, then I realize, who am I to judge myself? If God says it’s His right to judge, then why should I even judge myself? Who am I to look in the mirror and tell myself I am a failure. I am worthless. In God’s eyes, I have worth. I succeed. I am loved. Love is kind. Therefore, God is kind. I want to have the heart of God, so I need to be kind. I need to show love. Loving isn’t easy. It’s not all it’s made up to be. You don’t “fall in love”. You choose to love. You stumble upon it and choose whether to continue loving or “fall out of it”. When someone hurts you over and over and over again, think of Jesus. Men punched Him and beat Him and whipped Him over and over and over again. But, yet, He still loved them. Not only did He love them, but He forgave them and gave up His own beautiful, perfect life for them. You can say you love and forgive someone all you want, but forgiving is difficult. It’s not easy to forgive when you’ve been hurt, but that’s a part of love. Jesus doesn’t only love us when we’re perfect so why should we show we care only when someone is being “good” or sober or nice? Jesus didn’t hang out with “church people”. He hung out with prostitutes, drug addicts, gang members, and thieves. He hung out with convicts. So, if I want to be like Jesus, why should I be afraid to? Why should I fear what might happen rather than show unconditional love? Love with limits isn’t love. Love beyond the fear of being hurt… Again, and you will experience the greatest love of all.

I’ve learned to trust. I’ve learned that not all guys, surprisingly, are bad. There are some good guys out there. Which, to be honest, completely shocked me. I didn’t think a guy would ever respect me, but I was proven wrong. And I’m glad I was. I never thought I’d be able to talk to a guy without worrying that he’s just like every other guy I’ve met. Or be able to trust him. To those of you who have helped me realize that you’re not all bad, thank you.

I’ve learned that no one is perfect and things aren’t always as they seem. No matter how flawless and beautiful another girl may seem, she has problems she’s trying to work through, too. I’m not the only with problems – or imperfections. But I am one of the few who knows the only One who can take care of them.

I’ve learned that those you love can be taken away. So tell them you care when you can. Whether or not they say it back, at least you won’t live with regrets. Savor the moments you spend with those you care about because you never know when the next time will be. I’ve seen so many people I love this year have their lives almost come to an end. Thank God, He has bigger plans for us than we have for ourselves.

I’ve learned that your words speak loud, but your actions scream louder.

I’ve learned hope and help are real. Rescue is possible. Sobriety isn’t easy, but God will help you through if you just ask Him. Your worth is far greater than you could ever imagine. God has big plans, you just have to make yourself the available vessel for Him to use.

Your mind is a dangerous thing to pollute;
Once it's there, it's everywhere.
You can't escape it.
When you fall into the trap, it'll call you back;
Tell you there's nothing that you lack.
But deep down you know it's not right.
You wonder and cry when no one's in sight.
"How did it get to this?"
It's diss after diss.
"I can't be this person anymore!"
It's your heart that's starting to feel sore.
It started in your mind.
Now it's in your heart, you find.
All of a sudden the things you think are the things you say.
Are you starting to find "your own way"?
Don't you know that's just like everyone else?
Now, it's hard to breathe.
The doctor, it is time to see.
"I have some bad news to tell you.
What I say, I wish it wasn't true.
You're a rare case.
A peculiar race.
You see, some people can keep it in their head,
But you are a case we dread.
Some even keep it in their heart,
But you play a different part.
You let it slide into your words.
You let it really hurt.
I'm sorry to tell you,
But you don't have long to live.
Better call the family and tell them what you can give."
"Wait. Why can't I live?!
Isn't there something YOU can give?"
"I can cut out your tongue, for it has the power of life and death.
It was more brutal than meth.
It didn't just destroy you,
But others, too.
Remember that girl you called fat?
Right next to you she sat.
She's in ICU.
She's dying, too."
Everything starts to blur.
"Are you sure I have no cure?"
"I can cut out your tongue,
But the damage is already done.
It might buy you a day or two,
But I think it's too late for you.
Oh, we found another issue,
For this, you might need a tissue.
Remember that friend who hurt you?
There were only a few.
Well, we found it festering in your heart.
I guess you two just grew apart.
I'm sorry to say,
But we can only give you a few more days.
I hope you made peace with everyone
Because now your life is done."

Worth It

I have a few thoughts tonight that have been on my mind the past couple days. First, suicide. I know that it’s a tough place to be in, seeing as how I’ve been there myself. I know that’s it’s a downward cycle and pulls you fast. You’re on the verge of death before you can even stop and catch your breath and realize what’s happening. I get that. I’m not gonna tell you I know how you feel because you and I process things differently. But I do remember being in the place of “Forget everything. Forget life. Forget you. Forget myself. Let’s end it.” And not even realizing that I was in that place until I got out. But I want you to know that your life has so much more worth than that. I know a lot of people say it and may not mean it, but I do. You are forgiven – no matter what you’ve done. You are loved. You are worth it. You are worth everything. You are worth life itself. I know I talk about Jesus a lot, but I promise you that that’s the only One who got me through. Without Him, I would be dead by now. I promise. He gave up His life so that you could have life. He died so you didn’t have to. You are loved. 

The second thing I have to say is, “Girls, cover up!” Seriously. What’s the problem here? Is it so hard to be modest? Is it so hard to realize that you have worth beyond your bodies? Again, I know what it feels like to think that all you’re worth is what you look like and how other people view you. Again, I was wrong. And if you think that, you’re wrong. There are people that that is all they care about. But, you have worth. You have meaning. You are more than your body. While I know that some people – low people - will tell you you’re worth your looks, and not anything else. I can promise you it’s not true. Cover up. When your future husband comes walking around, do you want him to know that you don’t care who sees you? Do you want him to think that you don’t find yourself valuable? I doubt it. So, cover up.

Guys, same to you! Pull your pants up. I can tell you that, as a girl, I love when guys are modest. I love when guys aren’t conceited when they look good, but are confident, again, knowing they have worth.

So as I’m writing this, two songs comes to mind. Dirty and Left Out by The Almost and Amazing Because It Is by The Almost. Here are the links to them and I suggest you have some tissues ready cuz if you’re anything like my best friend or me, you’ll cry your eyes out.

Amazing Because It Is and Dirty and Left Out

All Your Perfection, All Your Imperfection.

My most used key on my phone and laptop, is the the backspace one. One night I thought, I like when other people make typos; it reminds me I'm not the only one who's imperfect. Then I realize: my imperfections make me. If someone doesn't like me, because I'm not the "perfect friend" or a guy doesn't like me because I don't look the way he wants, and am, therefore, imperfect, I don't worry. I don't care. If I bomb a test, I realize that doesn't make me stupid. It simply means I'm not perfect.When a guy would rather talk to a girl with a "hot bod", I'm okay with that, because that one has nothing to do with me. He's just shallow. My imperfections are me. I've learned recently that I don't need to freak out when my plans don't fall into place like I think they should, because my God is a heck of a lot smarter than me. Growing up, I was told, "You'd be so hot if you did this," "You'd be the prettiest girl ever if you did that." After much searching, finally God revealed to me, and I realized, I don't have to be anyone, but me. When someone comes along and is willing to love me with my imperfections, rather than despite them, I'll know he's worth my breath. Until then, I'll spend my time waiting... And being the imperfect girl I am.

All My Devotion Belongs To This Man

Straight up. I’ve been going through a rough time in my relationship with God. It’s been a dry spell. I haven’t wanted to talk to Him or read his Word. I still love Him with all of my heart, but it’s a dry spell. I’m listening to this song, “No Other Lovers” by Rick Pino (Listen Here), and it’s giving me chills as it plays, repeatedly. I’ve grown up in church and I strayed. I longed to be pleasant to this world, and not to God. I’ve come back to Him since then and hate these dry spells; however, listening to this song makes me realize how much I really do love Him. He’s my Lover! Rick Pino says, “You can take it all. Take it all. Just give me Jesus.” And it’s so easy to casually agree with that, but I feel that. You can take away every material possession I have gained in this world, but you cannot take my Lover from me. You can take of my crap. I don’t even care about it. That’s just fine as long as you let me have Jesus. “All my devotion belongs to this Man.” You can give me the things of this world, but nothing will compare to my love for God. All of my life I’ve given over to Him. So, “you can take it all. Just give me Jesus.”

Is This For Real?

Why do I keep seeing 13 year old girls saying, “Single again. Can I get anyone who won’t cheat?” Why? Why can’t you wait? Obviously he, and you, have a lot of growing up to do. Everyone used to tell me to enjoy being young. Don’t run to guys. Don’t rush it. I get it now. Good things come to those who wait. Why rush into a relationship with a guy who isn’t mature and isn’t willing to realize what a great thing he’s got when he’s got you? Why not wait for someone you truly love? Someone you can’t live without rather than someone who can live without you? You’re beautiful. Not just in looks. Beauty lies way deeper within than your appearance. Beauty lies within your heart. As you think your heart, so you are. You may think there’s no chance for someone to love you. You’ve ruined your chances of ever finding someone. Believe me, you’re not alone. I bet if you asked girls, and they were truly honest, they, at one time or another – whether now or before – felt the same way. I promise you this there is someone out there who will love you for you. Not for what you have done or what you’ll become.  When it’s God’s timing, the right man will come along. I seriously suggest listening to JJ Heller’s “What Love Really Means”. It will change your views.

In Your Dreams

It was your everyday fairy tale. Boy sees girl from across the room. They slyly glance at each other the whole night through until, finally, their eyes meet. It was as if fireworks were exploding in his heart and butterfly city just came alive in the pit of her stomach. As they walked towards each other, eyes locked in place, all motion and noise in the room ceased. Or so it seemed. They introduced themselves and exchanged numbers. Though too shy to admit it, they both knew it was love at first sight. These two grew more and more fond of each other as the summer passed by. Most thought it was just a summer romance, but they knew they felt more. They spent almost every day together and the days not spent together were spent on the telephone with the other one on the other end. They grew so in love that no one and nothing could tear them apart. The carnival came to town one night. They went, hand in hand, with camera in her other hand. The night was spectacular. The weather was splendid! “Nothing could make this better,” she thought. In one quick movement, he was down on one knee, reaching into his pocket. He was telling her how amazing and beautiful he found her. He was saying that he couldn’t imagine his life without her and never wanted to. Then the words came flowing out of his mouth as their tears poured from both their eyes, “Will you be my bride?” he asked. Without even thinking she responded, “Yes! I thought you’d never ask!” the next day, they set a date. October 28^th. The plans seemed to fall into place and before she knew it she was walking down the aisle, her daddy by her side, towards the love of her life. Her white dress, which she rightfully wore, reflected her beauty in a way no one had seen and her smile could light up a city. Their eyes, yet again, locked on each other. As the fireworks exploded in his heart and butterfly city came alive in her stomach the first time they spoke, and every time after that, they felt it again; but fifty times more intense. With tears welling up all of their eyes, her daddy said, “Her mother and I do,” and took his seat. As they gently took each other’s hands, their vows were spoken before family and friends and the two became one. As they kissed for the first time, she quickly awoke with a smile spreading from ear to ear. The smile quickly faded as she realized that it was all just a dream. As she gently brushed her bangs from her eyes, something caught her attention. What was that beautiful diamond set on her finger? She rolled over to find her prince charming lying next to her, watching her adore her ring and then him. He softly whispered, “I love you,” and it was then that she realized her love story had not ended, but just begun.

Fears Vs. Dreams

To Write Love on Her Arms (www.twloha.com) has a new campaign out called “Fears vs. Dreams”. It goes on to ask, “What is your greatest fear? What is your biggest dream?” This got me thinking. Oftentimes, our greatest fears are intertwined with our biggest dreams. Often we must face our greatest fears if we truly long to accomplish our biggest dreams. Facing fears might not require you to drastically stand up to something – it may take time and patience. Do you want to be remembered as the man or woman who would never risk anything for fear of losing everything? Or would you rather be remembered as the one who sacrificed everything and risked it all to achieve your biggest dreams. When someone you know is facing their fears, remember that time that you, too, had to face your fears. Remember how you felt. Remember the fear that struck your heart. Remember the memories. Remember you are not alone. When you face your fears – and yourself – you face them with a God by your side that will not leave you even if the fear overtakes you. Don’t ever be afraid to stand up to something – or someone – you are afraid of. “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” ~ Marianne Williamson.

Life is falling apart.
Took the substance and the liquid.
It's blended up sand and water.
A blurry cloud and puff of air.
Let it drop.
Let it fall.
When it hits the ground it'll swish and slop,
Before it's left in distraught.
Look up.
See the stars.
And the light.
No clouds tonight.
There is Hope in the end,
But it doesn't have to be the end.
Hope is near and Love not far.
Look in the mirror.
Staright into those piercing eyes
And right to the heart.
It is there Love is found.
Is it Love you is made in.
It is Hope you can find.